Four Lives in a Video Game- Act 3

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Scene: An icy tundra. Glaciers loom in the distance and a blizzard is blowing fiercely. ENTER ENAS.

 

ENAS: Of all the Star Wars biomes they could spawn me into, they choose a frickin’ ice waste? Have you creators gone mad?

ENTER QUATTRO

 

QUATTRO (with red lightsaber): Halt!

ENAS: Who the heck are you?

QUATTRO (strikes mysterious/creepy smile): I…am Darth Vader!

ENAS: Wrong time period dude.

QUATTRO: I am Kylo Ren!

ENAS: Better. Where’s your mask?

QUATTRO: I am…. (dramatic effect)…. Exposed!

ENAS: Oh…good for you….You are so full of surprises.

QUATTRO: Wait a sec, aren’t you the same guy who shot me with a bullet and stabbed me with a musketeer sword?

ENAS (rolls eyes): No shit Sherlock.

QUATTRO: Bruh, you cost me two lives! Two! You know you only have four in all in this game?

ENAS: Well, yeah. (takes out lightsaber) Now show me what you got, Yoda.

QUATTRO: I thought I was Kylo Ren.

ENAS: Well you just turned short, green, and near bald. Deal with it.

 

QUATTRO and ENAS engage in combat with lightsabers. Another epic battle follows. ENAS is about to cut down QUATTRO when QUATTRO raises his hand.

 

QUATTRO: Wait!

ENAS (freezes): What?

QUATTRO: If you defeat me, you’ll have to turn into a girl.

ENAS: What in the name of-

QUATTRO: Did you not watch Rogue One? Rey defeats Kylo Ren.

ENAS: I don’t frickin’ care. (prepares to kill QUATTRO)

QUATTRO (raises hand again): Wait!

ENAS: What now?

QUATTRO (dramatic pause, then): LUKE I AM YOUR-

 

ENAS kills QUATTRO in one slash.

 

ENAS: Wrong time period dude. If that were true, I’d be your dad. (shudders) That’s scary.

 

EXIT ENAS.

ENTER STALKER WOMAN.

 

WOMAN (panting): Enas? Enas! Where are you? Oh stupid blizzard. What is wrong with the creators? Enas?

 

WOMAN almost trips over QUATTRO on the ground and accidentally kicks his balls in the process.

 

QUATTRO: Lady! What is wrong with you?

WOMAN: You lost again?!

QUATTRO: No, you see nothing. (goes back to being dead)

WOMAN: Ah, with one slice of his mighty saber, Enas has cut down his foe once more!

 

QUATTRO gets up to protest but lies back down again after a glare from WOMAN.

 

WOMAN: With every level, I love him more! The next level is the final one! I will find him! Enas, charming prince that appears in every old disney princess movie, wait for me!

EXIT WOMAN

ENTER CIVILIAN

CIVILIAN drags QUATTRO off stage. EXIT

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Four Lives in a Video Game- Act 2

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Scene: Bustling streets of a medieval city. Horses are pulling wagons stacked high with barrels. Small stalls are lined on either side of the main street. Sellers are competing with prices and goods. People yell at each other and jostle each other to hurry to their next destination.

ENTER ENAS

ENAS: Ah. A medieval city, eh? At least it smells better than that bar.

 

At that moment, ENAS steps on a pile of horse manure. He lifts his foot in disgust.

 

ENAS: Well, then. Spoke too soon.

 

Suddenly raised voices are heard. ENTER QUATTRO and CIVILIAN. QUATTRO has a beautiful necklace in his hand.

 

CIVILIAN: Please sir! That’s not for sale!

QUATTRO: Oh shut up! Go beg your girlfriend for another one.

CIVILIAN: We broke up! That’s all I have left of her!

QUATTRO: So? Buy yourself a new one! Plenty of nice woman on the market.

CIVILIAN: I can’t. I’m cursed.

QUATTRO (waves hand): Oh, well then, bye Felicia.

CIVILIAN: No, I’m serious, I’m cursed! Whenever I meet my girlfriend’s dad, we break up the next day.

QUATTRO (sarcastically): Oh really? Well maybe it’s because the dad doesn’t like you very much, hm? Did that ever come to mind or did it slip past that walnut of yours?

CIVILIAN (suddenly realizes): Oh yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?

 

QUATTRO gets annoyed. He pulls out his musketeer sword and thrusts it at CIVILIAN. CIVILIAN stumbles to the ground.

 

CIVILIAN: What? Whatzit? Was it something I said?

QUATTRO: No it’s just you in general. Don’t take it personal, kid.

CIVILIAN: I’m older than you!

QUATTRO: Like I said, don’t take it personal.

 

QUATTRO prepares to stab CIVILIAN. ENAS pulls out his own musketeer sword and intervenes.

 

ENAS (strikes pose): En garde!

 

QUATTRO gives ENAS a confused look. ENAS jabs his sword forwards pointedly and gives QUATTRO eye signals.

 

QUATTRO (uncertainly strikes a failed pose): Ok….en garde?

QUATTRO (suddenly realizes): Hey wait a sec, you’re that dude who shot me in the chest back at the Western Level.

ENAS: Exactly, so this time I’ll stab you. The audience demands it.

 

ENAS makes little jabs with his sword and crab-walks closer. QUATTRO whacks ENAS’S sword away.

 

QUATTRO: Uh, no. This time, I’ll stab you. Then we’ll be even!

ENAS: Why would I let you do that?

QUATTRO (whiny voice): You killed me last time. It’s my turn now. I had to wait forever before another player showed up. Tell you what- I’ll stab you, then I’ll go to the next level, and you can wait for the same player to show up too!

 

QUATTRO jumps around in little circles in excitement.

 

ENAS (sighs): Fine.

QUATTRO: Yay!

 

QUATTRO raises sword to chop ENAS’S head. ENAS suddenly raises his sword at the last moment, parries the attack, and dodges to the side.

 

ENAS: Oooh, psyched! Hah loser!

 

ENAS and QUATTRO exchange blows. Epic sword battle follows- not really- ending in ENAS stabbing QUATTRO.

 

QUATTRO (clutches chest): Again?

ENAS (in deep voice): And another one.

QUATTRO: Shut up.

 

QUATTRO falls to the floor and dies. Second life lost. CIVILIAN comes to front of stage and faces audience.

 

CIVILIAN:  A round of applause to Enas!

 

ENAS bows to audience and throws imaginary roses to the crowd. He raises his hands for silence.

 

ENAS (does some charming winks): Ladies, ladies, please. It’s nothing.

 

EXIT ENAS and CIVILIAN.

ENTER STALKER WOMAN.

 

WOMAN: O, once again he has vanquished the evil!

 

QUATTRO (lying on the ground): Who, me? Evil?

 

WOMAN (kicks QUATTRO in the balls): Yes you. Now shut up, you’re supposed to be dead.

 

QUATTRO (on the ground clutching his balls): Second time, woman! Second time!

 

WOMAN raises her foot again threateningly. QUATTRO turns away.

 

QUATTRO: Ok, ok, I’m dying. See?

 

While QUATTRO lies on the ground in a dramatic death pose, WOMAN paces the stage.

 

WOMAN (dreamily): O Enas. You’re so brave. So cunning. So quick with your sword. (makes slashing motions with hands and sighs) No one holds my heart like you do. (sudden idea) I know! I’ll catch up to you. Then I’ll confess my true feelings for you and we’ll live happily ever after. It’s the perfect plan! O Enas, I’m coming!

EXIT WOMAN

ENTER CIVILIAN

 

QUATTRO: That woman is mad.

CIVILIAN: Shhh, you’re supposed to be dead.

 

CIVILIAN drags QUATTRO off stage. EXIT.

Four Lives in a Video Game- Act 1

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Cast

Quattro

Enas

Random Stalker

Civilian

 

Script

Act 1

Scene: A bar set in a town in the West during the cowboy ages. There are many tables with people gambling and drinking ale. QUATTRO is sitting at one of these tables, drinking his beer and eying everyone suspiciously. ENTER ENAS.

 

ENAS (approaching QUATTRO’S table): Is this seat reserved?

QUATTRO (glaring at Enas): Yes, now scram.

ENAS (looks around): I don’t see anyone else. I’ll just sit here until your friend shows.

QUATTRO: That seat is reserved. For me.

ENAS: What? Because your backside’s too big for one chair?

QUATTRO (angered): Say that again!

ENAS: Why don’t we switch seats so you can give the poor chair a break?

 

QUATTRO gets up and slams his fist on the table. A hush falls over the bar.

 

QUATTRO: I challenge you to a duel.

ENAS (shrugs): Then a duel it is.

 

QUATTRO and ENAS step outside the bar. The scene changes to a deserted dirt road with wooden buildings on either side.

 

QUATTRO: Ready when you are-

 

ENAS takes out his gun and shoots QUATTRO in the chest.

 

QUATTRO (clutching chest): OW! Great son of a- cheater!

ENAS (blows on gun): You stalker, how did you know?

QUATTRO: Cheat!

ENAS: You said you were ready.

QUATTRO: Your mom was ready.

ENAS: Jeez, quit stalking me. Die already.

 

QUATTRO falls to the floor dramatically and dies.

EXIT ENAS.

ENTER RANDOM STALKER WOMAN.

 

STALKER WOMAN (stares at dead QUATTRO): Hah! That’s what you get for stealing my job, wannabe stalker! The true Master Stalker is right here! I will creep through the shadows as silent as death, crawl through the bushes as smoothly as a snake, climb over mountains as nimbly as a frog- frog? Nevermind- all in pursuit of my true love! O Enas, I know your eyes can pierce through me like the very bullets that killed this man, even though you’ve never turned my way. O Enas, the one man I hold dearest in my heart. O Enas, wait for me!

 

STALKER WOMAN gives QUATTRO a kick to the balls. QUATTRO flinches and clutches balls.

ENTER CIVILIAN

CIVILIAN drags QUATTRO’S body away. Both EXIT.